Oct 8, 2015 — This video began circulating last night (10/7/15) and it's apparently creating quite a stir in the media. I can only imagine what the general public's reaction is to this judge's demeanor toward this woman, a member of the public that this judge serves, and also clearly a victim of domestic violence, but I have no doubt that most people will sympathize with this judge.
It's a sickness in this country that I think speaks volumes about where victim blaming comes from, and why it's so prevalent. For those who are compassion-challenged, it is instinctive to identify with the composed, well groomed powerful figure wearing the black robe, and look contemptuously upon the sniveling, whiny mess pleading for mercy.
Let me share with you my firsthand experience that may shed some light on #whywomenstay.
Several years ago, a mom showed up in my office without an appointment. She was just coming from court, where she had gone without a lawyer, seeking a protective order for her children who were between the age of 8 & 12.
Up until a few weeks before, she and her ex-husband had shared 50/50 custody of their children, one week with dad, one week with mom. One day, toward the end of mom’s parenting time, her youngest disclosed that her dad was fondling her while she was in bed - crawling on top of her and rubbing her breasts and kissing her. She said it was happening to her sister as well. Mom immediately called her other children in, and they all confirmed these awful facts.
So mom immediately took her children to the police station. The police questioned the children and opened an investigation. Child Protective Services was notified. Mom was told to take her children for a forensic interview and was told where to go and when to show up.
With the end of her parenting time coming, mom asked if she could keep the children with her rather than send them to their abuser. No, she was told, she would have to send them back or she would be in contempt of court. Mom was stunned. But how could she send them back there? How could that be right? She was told that she was bound to “obey” that court order, signed by a judge, no matter what, but that she should immediately seek a protective order which could legally convey her temporary custody to her until the investigation was closed.
So mom went down and applied for a protective order. She was relieved when the judge, without delay, signed an immediate order granting her temporary custody of the children. However, in order to keep custody of them, she would have to appear in court in a few days to put on her evidence and get a "permanent" order. Truly “permanent” protective orders are rare. They expire by operation of law on a date set by the judge, because apparently, judges can tell how long batterers pose as a threat to their victims.
But I digress.
Mom didn’t have an attorney and couldn’t afford one. She's wasn’t receiving child support b/c of the 50/50 custody arrangement and she was already missing a lot of work because of the crisis with her kids. But she didn’t think she needed one. She believed the judge would be at least as concerned as she was about the safety of her children, and would be intent upon getting to the truth.
So she showed up for the hearing before the judge (actually a domestic commissioner) without an attorney, and that's when her education began. Not only was the commissioner, a guy named Dan Foil, not remotely concerned about the possibility that her children were being abused by their dad, he seemed to enjoy finding reasons to dismiss her concerns. Even better, dad, who was significantly better off financially than mom, showed up with a criminal defense attorney who proceeded to attack mom with irrelevant and completely spurious questions that suggested mom was morally and emotionally unfit. Without an attorney, she was defenseless.
I wasn't there, but I read the transcript. It was disgraceful. Commissioner Foil did nothing to protect the mother from the completely improper questioning by the dad’s attorney, which was solely designed to humiliate and embarrass her. Mom walked out of court not only without a protective order, but ordered to pay all court costs and dad's attorney's fees to boot.
Welcome to family court.
Wouldn't you think that someone who was actually fit for the job of issuing protective orders for victims of domestic violence would be concerned that the mother' naiveté and unpreparedness was preventing Foil from getting to the truth of the allegations before him? That there was some risk that this dad was in fact using his young children for his sexual gratification. Nope. Foil dismissed mom's application nearly with glee.
No doubt, mom went to court ill-prepared for the task before her, but she did so precisely because she believed all those public service messages we see all the time that tells victims of domestic violence - which she was - that society cares about them and their children and is standing by to help them.
Sorry, that’s a big lie.
The system that is waiting for them is the one mom encountered that day: hostile; condescending; dismissive and determined to bring protective parents – usually moms – to their knees. Our courts are less ready and waiting for victims of domestic violence than they are lying in wait for them, and most victims will quickly recognize the familiar dynamic in the courtroom because it’s the same one they ran away from, only this one is even more terrifying because it’s coming from someone whose mere declaration or stroke of a pen establishes for evermore what is fair; what is just; who is right; who is wrong.
Someone in court told mom about me that day as she was leaving stunned, and that's how she came to my office. Because she came right away, I was able to file an objection to the order, which kept the TRO in place while we waited to go before an actual judge.
In the MEANTIME, Child Protective Services had opened proceedings in the juvenile court. Within days of mom being told by the Domestic Commissioner, Dan Foil, that she was not entitled to a protective order and that she would have to pay costs and attorney's fees b/c her application was frivolous, mom was charged by Child Protective Services with failure to protect her children because several months prior, one of the children had merely alluded to something improper with their dad, but wouldn't elaborate on it to mom, so mom had shrugged it off with a reminder to the kids that if they were ever uncomfortable with the way anyone was touching them, they should not be afraid to speak up. CPS used this as an indication that mom was on notice that all was not OK at Dad's well before she FINALLY reported it.
Keep in mind, this is the same CPS that told mom, AFTER mom reported the abuse, that she had to return the children to their abuser or be in contempt of court. This is the same agency that can remove a child from a parent’s care with a phone call to a judge and a cockamamie story about children having a roaches on their pacifiers and other such nonsense, but is powerless to protect children from being sent back to their abuser after they’ve been told directly by the children that they are being sexually molested in their father’s home.
This is the wild and wacky – and completely horrific - world of family court “justice.” In the family court, mom is a liar and punished for asking the court for protection, and in juvenile court, mom is a unfit parent because she didn't ask the court for protection sooner. Not only am I not making this up, it's really not that unusual.
But here's the real moral of the story.
Mom lost her job within weeks b/c of all the hoops she had to jump through for court, social services, and trying to ensure her kids got all the treatment they needed. On top of that, she wasn't receiving any child support. Always a strong and independent woman, she abruptly found herself having to apply to every charitable organization in the parish seeking financial assistance to keep from being homeless, car-less and childless, since CPS was threatening to take the children from her - and put them into foster care - if mom couldn't provide for them.
We started working on getting child support, but it took months and months. Dad got one continuance and delay after another. We had to seek relief from the appellate court, and finally, we were able to get before the trial judge. Dad didn't show, and I had these very brave kids, still under 10 years of age, in court to testify.
Can you imagine how scared they were? They were terrified that their dad would come in at any moment. They didn't know anyone in the courtroom, except for me and their mom, and they were seated in the gallery, looking UP at this woman judge - Mary Devereux - seated behind this huge wooden desk, otherwise known as the Bench.
I had told them before they came that they would have to tell the judge directly what their dad had done to them. I told them it was important and even though they were nervous and embarrassed, that the judge was a nice lady and wanted to help them.
And so, they testified, one after the other. Nervous, stilted, eyes downcast, but glancing up to see their mom the whole time, sending her nervous smiles. And then their mom testified, and as she did, the girls sat in the gallery, nervously whispering between themselves, restlessly squirming about, an occasional giggle coming from them. I didn't think much of it. They were kids and they had been so brave. I was proud of them.
When we finished, the judge granted our relief, finding the mother credible (and dad being a no-show, there was no one to contradict her). However, Judge Devereux added, to my mortification, with those two brave little warriors sitting there in her court room, that she DID NOT find the two children credible and she was deeply disturbed by their conduct during the hearing. In her experience, she had never seen children who had really been abused behave that way.
The girls were devastated. I was horrified. And yet, I had to smile nice at the judge and scrape and curtsy my way out of there just to be sure she didn't change her mind. We had gotten everything we asked for and it was not the time to call bullshit.
But, the story wasn't over there. With the court order, we were finally able to garnish dad's paycheck. Mom finally started to breathe a little easier. She had found another job that allowed her more flexible hours but paid less than her last one and the additional income was essential.
And then dad was indicted. Guess what happened? He lost his job. He managed to get another one relatively quickly, but it paid significantly less and he was now facing a trial that could send him to prison for years. Mom could see the writing on the wall.
She begged the local DA not to prosecute; she threatened not to cooperate. She argued it would be cruel to put her children through another episode of testifying since they were both now terrified of seeing another judge. To no avail. The criminal trial proceeded and this mom did cooperate under order of a subpoena, as did her girls. Dad was convicted and sent to prison for a decade or more.
It was a bittersweet victory for mom. Dad's conviction was satisfying, yes, but it was financially devastating. The financial struggle continues to this day and her children pay the price. They are all exceptionally smart, talented kids but their mom, who struggles by herself to put a roof over their heads, can't afford all the programs and activities that would ensure that these kids get to develop those talents. That's a tragedy for all of us.
Is it any wonder that so many women look at what the hurdles are, see that the odds are against them, and just stay? If having the SOB that beat you senseless put in prison is only going to make you homeless, carless, or worst of all, childless, why would anyone stay?
I know there are a lot of other reasons why women stay, and frankly, I think it’s a completely pointless question. Next time you ask, "Why do women stay?", you might answer with, "Why would women run from their battering partner - who is just one guy - to a whole system that operates on the batterer dynamic?" What we ought to be asking ourselves, if we really care about getting them out safely, is what can we do to help them leave?
My client got out, but the financial impact was huge. She is another one of those clients who amazed and inspired me in my daily struggles to find justice in our courts. As hard as my job was as an attorney - and there aren't many that are harder - I watched this mom take one blow after another - from an institution that was supposed to help her - and she just kept getting up and making it work. People call me a hero a lot. But it's all these moms - and dads - who are fighting to protect their children, not just from the predators they married or had children with, but from the courts themselves – who are the real heroes.
This system is broken. Wake up. Smell the blood splatter. Sign the petition. #starvingforjustice.
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